Recently I had the chance to sit down with Savannah Freemyer, a sex, love and relationship coach who helps people find liberation in their bodies and lives so they can live more authentically. She calls herself a breaker of chains, among other things. Savannah completed the VITA (Vital and Integrated Tantric Approach) training with Layla Martin (650-plus hours!) where she “majored” in tantric sex and relationship transformation.

You may be wondering, “Janet, why are you talking about sex all of a sudden?!” We’re all sexual creatures, albeit attuned to different levels. But so many of my patients who are trying to conceive or who are going through perimenopause or menopause have some complicated feelings around sex, at least some of the time. (Hell, who doesn’t have some complicated feelings around sex on occasion?) Maybe they feel like it’s a chore, or they’re not getting what they want or they don’t even know anymore what they want. Or maybe they’re just bored. So I asked Savannah to talk a little bit about how to get more of what you want in bed (or in the kitchen or the car or the couch).

Q. What are most of your clients complaining about these days?

A. People come to me because they want things to be better. A lot of the women who come in are timid at first in talking about what they want. They don’t have people in their life to talk to about these things. Everybody is so grateful they can say anything in front of me and won’t be judged. Their partner is the person they have the hardest time with because they don’t want to hurt their egos. The people we’re closest to are who we often hide the most from. But also a lot of people don’t know what they want so they can’t express it. Instead of looking at what’s wrong, I ask, ‘Where do you want to go? What do you want?’ And they say nobody has asked them that before.

Q. Many of my patients are having fertility challenges. They can get disconnected from their bodies and feel so much pressure. Sex feels rote, like a chore, on both sides.

A. I can tell you that stress in general will affect your sex life—whether it’s the pressure of having to provide for the family or feeling like you’re trying to force your body to do something. I encourage my clients to try to make sex pleasurable again by creating a ritual around it to make it sacred, so it’s not another thing on the to-do list. That helps you be more focused and present too. Orgasm happens in the now, in the present moment when you’re dropped in and not stressed about timing, taking too long, etc. Yes, you have an ulterior motive, to make a baby, but try to enjoy that time that you’re with your partner.

Q. Do you have any tips for feeling better in your body in general? I think a lot of people struggle with that.

A. One of my favorite things to do is to pick one or two sexy songs and do erotic dance. I’m not talking about a strip tease. This is for yourself. How can you move your body that feels erotic and sexy to you? You can mimic moves you make when you’re making love and do it alone or with your partner.

Another thing is something called a felt sense meditation. It really connects the mind and body. Start to scan your body and name the physical sensations you notice. Maybe it’s tension in your left temple, tingling in your right big toe, or you feel your heart beating in your chest. Then you can drop down into your sexual organs. Maybe you notice an effervescence at the entrance of your vagina, tingling and blood flow in your clitoris, heaviness in the testicles, pressure at the perineum. It’s awesome to do with a partner. Just say what you feel and then you start to feel your partner too and their pleasure begins to become your pleasure. This kind of exercise forces you to slow down physically and mentally.

[If you need to give yourself more self-compassion, check out this previous blog post on cultivating self-compassion. One meditation Savannah loves is the Honey Pot exercise. Try it here.]

Q. . What about women who are going through perimenopause or menopause? They can sometimes see a drop in libido thanks to hormonal shifts and just life stressors in general. Is that something to fight or only if it’s causing issues?

A. I look at libido as desire, having a lust for life, not just for sex. These transitional times are the perfect opportunity to dive into emotions that you may have been repressing. For example, I believe hot flashes can come from repressed anger, something we’ve stuffed away and that we can’t hold down anymore.

Menopause is known as the second spring in Taoism, which is such a positive way of viewing it. Our sexuality changes throughout our life, through the phases. We can use that sexual energy to connect deeply to a loved one, or to create something like a book or art, or for going on a spiritual journey. That sexual energy is life force energy, so freeing that up by moving through repressed emotions is important. You can use that energy to pour into your purpose.

Q. For some women during this time of life, sex is even better, and they want to change things up. Any suggestions for this group?

A. I love introducing people to the Erotic Blueprint, which was created by Miss Jaiya, who’s a sexologist. It’s like a sexual love language. There are five different blueprints or types: energetic, shapeshifter, sensual, kinky/taboo, and sexual. It depends on what turns you on. Often, we end up with people who have a different blueprint, but you can learn to speak your partner’s erotic blueprint language and even learn all of them (the shapeshifter type can ‘play’ in every type, speak all the languages). To learn more about the different blueprints, both the good and ‘shadow’ sides, read Your Blueprint for Pleasure: Discover the 5 Erotic Types to Awaken—and Fulfill—Your Desires by Jaiya.

Q. I’m intrigued! Any other good reads you recommend on sexuality?

A. My current read is Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas. She emphasizes that Tantra involves being present with everything, not just sex.

Another book I recommend is The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin, Ph.D. He talks about how low desire can be a response to hating your partner or not being happy and how that is reflected in your body in things like vaginal atrophy or a tight pelvic floor. It’s like your body putting up a “do not enter” sign.

Thanks to Savannah for providing just a few ways to get more in tune with your sexual side and what you really want. I hope this got you thinking about what may need to change in your sex life. If you’d like to work one-on-one with Savannah, click the link!