Why is it so hard to go easier on yourself?

I know a lot of my fertility patients struggle with self-blame, feelings of inadequacy, shame and more. They keep a brave face in the office, but as humans, it’s hard not to let those feelings creep in sometimes, especially when dealing with fertility challenges. I know my inner critic can be harsh at times. I don’t often stop and say to myself, “It’s okay. You messed up, but it happens. You’re doing the best you can.”

Practicing self-compassion seems like a pretty straightforward thing, but what exactly does it even mean? So I asked Amy Schonhoff (AS), a certified Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) teacher and founder of Mindfulness in the Heartland, to talk to me about self-compassion and self-love.

What is self-compassion?

AS “First, we should define what compassion is: It’s a quality of being present with suffering but there’s an added component of wanting to alleviate the suffering, of doing something to help someone suffer less. That might be lending a sympathetic ear or providing motivation and encouragement. It can take many forms. Self-compassion is simply extending that compassion to ourselves.”

According to self-compassion teacher, researcher and author Kristen Neff, self-compassion includes things like offering comfort and assurance to ourselves; establishing boundaries to protect ourselves from others; providing what we need physically, emotionally and spiritually, which might include exercise, time to grieve or pray or be closer to a higher power; and motivating ourselves.

What does that look like in real life?

AS “Suffering is just resistance to what is. [You’re stuck in the airport when a flight is delayed and furious that you’ll miss your connection. The delay isn’t the suffering, it’s your reaction to the delay that is the suffering. You’re resisting what is.] Maybe you get a hurtful email from a friend. The first step in dealing with it is mindfulness: Bring awareness to the fact that you’re suffering but also bring stability to it, so you’re not being overwhelmed by it. Second is understanding that whatever is arising, the actual suffering and how we feel about it, is a universal human experience. We all experience loss, grief, physical pain or hurt. It’s part of being in the human family. That moves us out of a sense of isolation which often occurs when we’re stuck in our suffering. That’s not to minimize our feelings, but to realize that it’s normal and we’re not alone. The final piece is the offering of kindness or warmth to meet that suffering, self-kindness. Offering ourselves either words that are supportive and nurturing or taking action to alleviate our suffering is key.”

It’s so hard to turn that compassion on ourselves sometimes!

AS “A lot of religions externalize compassion and don’t really teach us how to reflect it back toward ourselves. But when you practice self-compassion, you deepen the understanding of what it means. You become better at offering compassion toward others when you have it toward yourself first. What I’ve found is practicing self-compassion affords me more grace and understanding for all those things I would’ve judged people for.”

How does self-compassion differ from self-love?

AS “It’s an expression of self-love. It’s a component of self-love, it sits underneath, like self-care. There are lots of things we can do to be loving of ourselves and offering ourselves compassion is one.”

What does it look like if you don’t have self-compassion?

AS “In general, there tends to be a harshness and perfectionism. Perfectionism is a sort of self-protection, a guardedness. It’s about keeping yourself safe and being less inclined to make or admit mistakes. When you can’t afford yourself compassion, you’re going to have a harsh internal critic. There’s no soft place to land inside.”

A lot of people think you should just “gut it out” and deal with whatever is happening instead of giving yourself a break.

AS “Sitting with yourself and your life, that commitment is an act of self-love, because it’s not easy. You’re saying, I’m going to sit here with it and be present with it. It’s a struggle for a lot of people. That idea to ‘gut it out’ is not a nurturing voice. We don’t want to silence that voice, but we want to put it in the back seat so it’s not driving. We want to allow something more comforting and soothing and caring to come forward and drive. Then you can notice how that shifts things. It’s not about squishing the critic inside; it’s about not giving that critic as much volume. It’s about recognizing the pain that the critic is creating. When you do say good things, then notice how that makes you feel. If you love yourself through it, the noise of the mind has a little less impact.”

Why is it hard to let the “bad” things we’ve done in the past go (cheating, lying, inflicting pain)? Why do we keep judging ourselves?

AS “Judgement is just a quality of our mind. Judgements about our past are part of our conditioning from society or family or even our religion. But there’s nothing that we can change about the past. Part of life is growth and learning. Of course you make mistakes because that’s how you learn or grow. The expectation that you’re supposed to do it all right all the time, that’s cultural conditioning; it doesn’t make room for the fact that as human beings we’re constantly evolving—if we’re paying attention. If we notice when we’re doing something that’s not in alignment with our values, we can learn. We have to be present with it and see it. Ruminating about the past is just mental masturbation.”

Brains love doing that, right? They just go and go and go, round and round.

AS “It’s true. If we can think about it like that, maybe we wouldn’t take it so seriously. The churning of thoughts is what the mind does. We can choose to dwell on it or let it go. The goal is not to get our mind to be quiet but to recognize when we’re in a loop of thought that is a habit for us. Ideally, you’ll notice when you’re caught in it and how you feel, because that thought creates an emotion which will lead to certain behaviors. How does it make you feel and what behaviors are the result of that? Being able to see the conditioning and what it creates is how we start to break those cycles.”

How can you cultivate self-compassion?

AS “Again, it’s about being aware, recognizing that it’s part of being human, offering yourself compassion. There are also formal meditation practices. Lovingkindness meditations are a good place to start.” Check out this guided self-compassion practice led by Schonhoff.

Do you have some favorite books or resources for people to learn more about self-compassion?

• Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive by Kristen Neff. She also wrote Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

• The Mindful path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts and Emotions by Chris Germer

• Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World With the Practice of RAIN by Tara Brach